I hate running.

But really though. Even when I was a competitive athlete I’ve always hated running. I could train and condition in almost any way no problem but I just could not get there with running. Why? Where are we going? What for? To prove what?

When I was in college my mother started running. For stress relief she said. She loved it. She went all in. She joined a running club, training multiple times a week, did marathons. I tried to go with her a few times but I just struggled. I felt so horribly out of breath and out of shape. I just didn’t get the appeal.

Fast forward very many years and after the birth of my oldest, like a lot of new moms, I felt the irrational pressure to “get my figure back”. I also wanted to be healthy of course but my motivation if I’m very honest was vanity. I discovered barre which I love, I rediscovered yoga, I even went to the classes fairly regularly. We moved, I had another baby and found myself back to square one losing all my baby weight again. But this time was different.

I felt my mortality in a way after the birth of my second son that I didn’t after my first. I don’t know if it was just growing older and understanding in a more visceral way that I wasn’t going to live forever, imagining what type of shape I’d be in when they were in high school, college? I just knew I wanted to be healthy.

Not skinny…healthy.

As in I could care less about the abs I endlessly sought in my teens and 20s and more about, you know, my heart and lung function. Is my cholesterol okay? There are very many and even creative ways one could die but for me, heart disease is just not going to be one of them.

So I joined another gym, did more classes, got into a routine. I did strength training, the recumbent bike, elliptical, treadmill for walking. I got the apple watch, which helped me be more mindful of moving throughout the day, my little virtual accountability coach but still I wanted more.

TURNS OUT and I could not make this up if I tried…running is super great for your heart and your lungs and your muscles. It’s almost as if, literally everyone has been talking about it for decades.

Deep. Heavy. Sigh.

Fine.

And so very tentatively and very begrudgingly I began to run. And by run what I actually mean is like a 14:50 mile y’all. Usain Bolt I am not. No, I started out running maybe 30 seconds and walking the rest of the way. My competitive, Type A self eventually made a google sheets chart for my endeavors. I had little columns for date, time and distance. Slowly, ever so slowly, my times started going down, my distances started going up. Actually seeing my progress in black and white, became somewhat addicting. I began to envision doing fun runs and races with my teenagers one day. I began planning for my first 5k. And then, Covid hit.

The gym closed and I was forced to move from the treadmill to the pavement. Running became a way to get out of the house, quiet time to think away from the kids. It became self-care. Stress relief. Running became a way to keep my heart and lungs healthy - just in case. Running became a form of prayer. Thanking God for my health, that I was upright, that I could still move, that I could still breathe. I get to go running instead of I have to go running.

For so long exercising or running was about reaching a destination. Like once you reach your magical goal weight or size or get those abs you can just stop. Made it! I’m here! Did it! But what happens when that’s not enough? When you reach the point where you sort of don’t care if you’re ever a size 4 again? Not sustainable. No, when it became about my heart, my lungs, the numbers on my health panel and not necessarily the scale I understood this was a practice. That if I want to do those 5Ks with my kids in 10 years, I will need to get into shape and then stay in shape.

So I’m several months into this revelation and the strangest thing has happened. I don’t hate it anymore. I went to a real running store and got real running shoes, as in not shoes on sale from Nordstrom Rack. I downloaded various interval running apps and had strong opinions when I found my favorite. Weird. I’ve contemplated joining a running club maybe…weirder.

I don’t know if I’ll ever reach the love stage of running, if I’ll ever run a full blown marathon but I’m healthy. I can play tag and chase with kids without worrying about running out of breath and right now that’s enough.